The Good, The Bad and The Uncertain

Due to last week's incredible weather I may have spent most of my time in the garden basking and subsequently I may have gotten a little side tracked from writing last week's post. Unsurprisingly the weather has taken a turn for the worse and so I return to sitting at my dining table in my front room with my laptop in tow. I've decided that this week's post will be more of a catch up on both what I've been up to and also how exactly I'm feeling because truth be told it's been a funny old two weeks inside my head. I don't know if it's just me but I've been completely taken aback by just how drastically my thoughts and feelings fluctuate from day to day. 

No two days emotions are ever the same at the moment, ranging from motivated and upbeat to lacklustre mixed in with a slight tinge of uncertainty. On the whole I've felt pretty lucky that the good, positive days have outweighed the bad, that said I appreciate that sadly this isn't the case for everyone and I completely understand why. As it stands at the moment it's very easy to wake up in the morning and already feel defeatist. With little structure to our days and a limited means of socialising or working, it's worryingly easy to continually ask yourself "what's the point" about the most menial daily tasks from showering and getting dressed, to household chores. I've been making a conscious effort to channel those days when I'm "just not feeling it" into a push to try something new, discover new hobbies and take on new challenges. Case in point last week I officially became an avid gardener. For the last year and a half I've stared out into our some what bleat garden space forlornly, just wishing I some how had the ability to fix it up. Well if there's one positive thing you can take from lock down it's that you now have the time and mental space to fully immerse yourself in learning something brand new and for me that was gardening. One week on, several chipped nails and two bruised knees later, my garden is still not 100% transformed but it's getting there...
And it's not just on a personal level my emotions have been topsy turvy, in a work capacity I've found the space between my highs and my lows is even greater. I'd be completely fibbing if I'd said I started this lock down with the cavalier approach that "we're all the same boat" and "what will be, will be". Not even slightly, truth be told I felt very much lost. Jobs were cancelled, shooting content had ceased, I suddenly questioned the relevance of my voice on social media along with the topics I felt at my strongest discussing and much like many others out there, it felt like overnight any structure to my working day had completely diminished. It is only now weeks later I've kind of learned to process the circumstance we find ourselves in and approach it a little more constructively- finding new ways to overcome obstacles such as shooting around my house (which in turn has made me appreciate it more), taking on new topics to discuss and most importantly trying to maintain a genuine level of normality and positivity on social media because this is the kind of content and attitude I personally believe everyone needs. It's been a real learning curve for me but I've started to master the ability of taking those "off" days and using them as a reason to muster up motivation- if that makes sense? I don't want to feel complacent, limited or lost and therefore I'm trying my hardest to ensure I'm challenging myself. 
I'm not saying that in the past couple of weeks I've exactly moved mountains, not at all. But I've been finding real joy in the mini achievements and accomplishments which come from pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Last weekend I did my first ever Instagram Live and if you want my honest opinion... It was absolutely terrifying. I was shaking like a leaf and my tummy was in knots. I have no idea why I was so irrationally nervous! I'm sure to many of you out there it probably seems so trivial but to me, it was something unknown and it got my back up. Once it was over it felt like a weight had been lifted and I genuinely felt a sense a pride. Dare I say it but in hindsight- take away the nerves- I'd actually really enjoyed it. Who'd have thought it? And to boot the reaction I had was amazing and so reassuring... See what I mean? The contrast between complete lows of being so nervous and self deprecating are then suddenly switched to complete highs of feeling like I'd succeeded and all because I pushed a little harder than usual. The gigantic bonus to basically reinvent the wheel and finding new ways to do my job has been discovering different methods of connecting with others. I have a new found appreciation for engaging with the amazing people around me; be it friends, family or the incredible like minded people who kindly follow me. I think we can all safely say human interaction will never be taken for granted again after this year and that's only ever a positive thing.
Ok ok so I'm not coming out of the lock down as a whole new improved version of me and I must stress I really don't want this post to act as shaming to either those who are being super productive and/or those who aren't. Like I said I still have days of feeling panicked and of course I'm never going to feel like this is an ideal situation for anyone, but I do have to at least give myself credit for learning to navigate obstacles and stay motivated. Whether that's big work related decisions or deciding to get up, get dressed and wash my hair, they're all personal victories for that day and worth counting for.

Sophia x

Outfit Details: Striped T-Shirt- Maje Paris is similar from Cos Stores, Pink High Waisted Trousers- And Other Stories

Photography by Catherine Booty

No comments:

Post a Comment